In western cultures, we are pretty steadfast about our belief in the need for love within a marriage/relationship and for a marriage to be based almost soley on love. This stands against practicality and logic, as love often fails to stand the test of time (or at least, lust/attraction/infatuation). While some attraction is an obvious necessity for a happy marriage, it does not necessarily mark a long-lasting marriage. Thus we are pretty accepting about "divorce" and all its collateral damage when it happens to our friends and loved ones. It is something the individual and their children suffer, and we feel for them. We console them, and in time, we all move on. I won't go into our divorce rate and the impact divorce has on our children, because I feel it's common knowledge and the arguments for and against it have been pretty well covered by others throughout time.
Additionally, I find it pretty hard to find your soul-mate by "accident"...or by "chance", as we do in western cultures. We move a lot in this country, losing networks that may lead us to meeting our future husbands/wives. We lose touch with friends, family, and neighbors. We no longer sit on our front porches, saying hello to our neighbors-we rarely even know our neighbors anymore. We are not supposed to date our co-workers. There are often policies in place forbidding such behavior, and the fall-out if things go awry can be pretty difficult to deal with in the workplace.
In short, Americans believe in striking your own path in life, and learning from your successes and mistakes. The individual has the freedom of choice (career, marriage, finances), and thus carries the burden for making progress (business/school endeavors, marriage, etc), and for paying for our mistakes (divorce, failed financial choices, etc).
In India, however, almost EVERYTHING is approached from a practical viewpoint, with the family involved in almost all decisions. Marriage, therefore, is typically no exception to this. The parents of the bride and those of the groom really dig into the personal and financial histories of their child's potential mate and that of their family. They want their child to marry into a family of good reputation and solid financial standing. They also want to find a good match for their child, physically, mentally, and emotionally. They look at interests, education, and so forth to try to ensure that love will bloom within the marriage (as arranged marriages are set up with little or supervised-only contact between partners prior to marriage, love often comes later...though sometimes not at all).
Does this sound extreme? Does it sound a bit controlling? Think of it from this perspective; how often have you seen that the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree? The apple may insist it's a pear, not an apple, but really, when tested by time and challenged by life, the apple too often turns out to be...an apple. How often do we see people from dysfunctional families repeating their parents' mistakes despite a voiced, determined desire not to do so? As an extreme example, if your daughter came home with a man who works at a fast food joint and comes from a family who lives in a hotel and deals drugs, would you *honestly* (deep in your heart, not in the logically 'politically correct' part of your brain) want her to marry that man? Would you not think that he will, on some level, repeat what his parents brought him up with? Are there exceptions? Of course! Would I, as a parent, want to bet on the long shot for my child? No. This is how Indian parents typically view their role in arranging their child's marriage, though what is a "negative" to them is often something we westerners wouldn't even raise an eyebrow at. They know that youth and inexperience, combined with the heart's desire blotting out all logic, often leads to disaster. As divorce in India carries a huge burden for the individual, their children, and their family, Indian marriage is something to be approached from a very different perspective than American marriages. There is no '...the past is the past and we move on'...in India. The family name is tarnished permanantly, the divorce will affect the range of choices for marriage for the children of divorced parents, and those individuals with a past divorce will have fewer and typically less-desirable choices when remarrying. While this is not the case in the U.S., we tend to downplay the impact divorce has here on families, financially and otherwise, and so there is logic to the negative views toward divorce in general in India, even if it seems extreme to us, and logic in the family's involvment in choosing a partner for their child.
Speaking from personal experience, I went the 'American' route. I married a white American guy. We had a son. It turned out that the responsible, sweet, caring man I dated was none of the above after marriage and a pregnancy...we had serious issues and I felt I had no choice but to end the marriage, leaving when our son was just two months old. I did not remarry for nine years. The funny thing is, I felt "trapped" into the relationship as it began, and as the relationship progressed I was on my own. I come from a very loving, caring family, but they respected my right to make my own decisions. I was 21 and had no clue what a 'quality' partner was, who I was, or what I should be shooting for, and it cost me and my resulting child dearly. Looking back, I know there are no guarantees, but I wish my parents with their years of wisdom had been more involved from the start. So back to my nine years of single-hood....
For nine years, I did the single-mom thing; I went to college, got a bachelor's degree in Liberal Studies, and bought a house. While I enjoyed the freedom of independence, and the pride of accomplishing things on my own, everything was out of balance. My son hardly saw me, as I was working 16-hour days and weekends trying to keep up with a demanding teaching career. i left before the sun came up and came home after it went down. Getting laundry done was difficult, we ate almost every meal out, and meeting my son's teachers was next to impossible. In addition to work, I continued to work toward my Master's degree. I was exhausted and overwhelmed. During all of this craziness, the unexpected happened...I met and fell hard for a man who happened to be from India. I was inspired by the values of Indian culture, like never before, and the reason my sister chose her Indian husband (yes, there is a story there...elswhere in this blog) suddenly clicked for me: the emphasis on family, respecting family members, living practically,and being grounded in one's values. It struck a deep chord within me. Things did not work out however, as his family (of course) did not approve. After the dust settled, though, I had a clear picture of what I wanted in a husband, family, and future, and signed up for an Indian matrimonial website in hopes of meeting and marrying my future husband.
My philosophy was to find someone who was educated, well-grounded in who he was and what he was about, driven, family-oriented, and who shared so many of the qualities I admire in Indian culture. I found him on the internet, living in the same city, and the rest is...well...part of that complex tapestry woven throughout the entries in this blog. And so I travel on, off the beaten path...
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